


Why Matt? Why?

by reginangoh



Category: Death Note, Death Note & Related Fandoms
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-12
Updated: 2015-10-20
Packaged: 2018-04-26 01:15:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4984192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reginangoh/pseuds/reginangoh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"No! No more, Mello! I am sick of it! I want to live my own life! I don't want to be your stupid little puppy that is always wait for his master to return or going around looking for his master who abandoned him!" Matt snapped at Mello for the first time in his life. "I'm done so leave me alone!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Pain... Suffering... Hate... Love... Torn... Into... Half...

The agonizing pain never left Matt even once...but it wasn't just the pain that you feel when you are scathed with an ordinary injury...

He feels it in him...lingering...his soul repeatedly slashed. He couldn't comprehend himself. Even his coherent mind couldn't explain why.

He once thought of the reason he should live when everything in this world is meaningless...as meaningless as toys that were beyond repair.

He focuses on his one true purpose of living... But...it seemed like false hope...he should have never left Wammy if he knew his future would crumble like this...

And who was to blame? He growl angrily. Mello.

He should have never followed his friend in the first place! He knew he'll regret it if he follows! But why did he? He knew the consequences...but why did he still follow his blond haired friend with the overly powerful ego?

...Why?

He look up at the mirror, no...Mello isn't to blame...he was the one that stupidly follow Mello...he know his loyalty to his blond haired friend is what made him throw aside everything...he can regret all he want...he can leave but his loyalty to Mello will always make him come back...unless...

He shake his head like he's trying to shake out his dark thoughts. No! He can't do that! He promised Mello! ...But does it matter?

The redhead lights a cigarette meekly while staring at the cold ground, he pull up his goggles and let his tears flow down his face. "Mello, I-I'm so sorry...I don't think I can take this anymore. I'm sorry. I hope you can find someone who is better than me. I hope you can find someone who won't hurt you..."

He walks out of his bathroom, he took out his gun and aims it at his head "I'm sorry Mello...I'm so sorry I'm not strong enough..."

Just as he was about to pull the trigger Mello walked in "Hey Matt-" Mello stop as he stare at his redheaded friend pointing a gun at his own head.

Matt's eyes widen as he turn towards Mello and stare at him with wide eyes, shaking slightly as he saw his eyes narrow and he clutch his fists.

"Matt...what do you think you're doing?" He asked calmly but his eyes locked onto Matt's, that predatory glint shining in an angry passion. "Were you trying to kill yourself?" He walk towards Matt and knock the gun out of his hand.

Matt couldn't evade the punch that suddenly collided with his cheek after the gun was knocked to the other side of the room. The newly lit cigarette flew from his mouth and on the ground.

Matt wisely stood silently, not making a sound as he was thrown aside, his back colliding with the wall, he winced and moaned softly, trying as hard as he could to stay quiet as Mello's deathly grip on his shirt made him fear for more sharp blows.

No...please...Mello...no more... He couldn't look up...he couldn't look Mello in the eye... He can't stand seeing the disappointment, angry and sadness his eyes hold...

"Look at me you bastard! Why the fuck were you trying to kill yourself? Answer me!" Mello yelled angrily as he shake him, like it's going to make him talk.

Matt stays quiet, looking at anything but Mello and that just pissed him off even more, Mello throw Matt onto the floor and started kicking him. Matt whimper softly but was otherwise quiet, he curl up in an attempt to soften Mello's kicks.

Mello growl angrily as he pull him up by his hair "Had enough? You insensitive bastard!" He grab the front of his shirt again with one hand, the other grab his chin roughly and force Matt to look at him.

Matt shut his eyes tightly as his body shake in pain, afraid of what his blond haired friend have in mind.

"Mail..." He whisper softly.

He froze in shock, a slight sniffle was heard from his friend...and out of an excruciating curiosity he open his eyes...

Mihael?

He held his breath... Never...he has never seen Mello shed tears... Tears that roll down his face...he has never seen Mello cry before...

"Mihael..." He whisper softly and frees himself of Mello's grip, to wrap his arms around him in an embrace...

He is still like before...Mello couldn't help but smile...

"Don't die, Mail..." he begged softly, burying his head on his friend's chest. "Please don't die...please... Promise me you won't die..."

"Mihael, I'm...sorry. I can't promise you anything...I won't promise you anything I am not 100% sure I'll be able to keep..."

Mello narrow his eyes "Tch fine. Then I'll die if you do. I may be smart. But my stubbornness exceeds it."

Matt couldn't help but groan "Don't be stupid, Mello. I'm not worth it."

Mello glare angrily. "You're the one that's stupid! You're my best friend and you've helped me without question, without asking for anything in return and I can't even return the favor! Not once am I able to help you with anything!"

Matt's eyes soften as he look at Mello "Mihael...you don't have to do anything for me." He smile softly "You're friendship is more than enough."

"Is it really? If it is then why did you try to kill yourself?" Mello snapped angrily "If it is enough then why did you try to take your own life, Mail Jeevas!?"

Matt close his eyes and look away, not saying a single word, making Mello angrier. He grab his shirt again as his other hand pin Matt against the wall, making Matt look up at him, he look down at Matt, he hair cover his eyes as tears run down his face.


	2. Chapter 2

"Matt...please tell me what's wrong...please...I don't want to loose my best friend..." He begged softly, hoping...hoping that Matt will tell him the truth. Please Matt...please don't lie to me...

Matt close his eyes tightly for awhile before opening them and smile "Nothing is wrong, Mello. I was just wondering how it feels like to get shot in the head and I was stupid enough to think it was a good idea. I'm sorry I worried you. I promise it would never happen again."

Mello's heart sank when he heard Matt lie through his teeth. Why Matt? Why are you lying to me? I always tell you my problems but you never told me any of yours. Why? Why don't you trust me enough to tell me?

Matt smile nervously as he gently rub the back of his neck "Well...err...I am really really sorry I wasted your time, Mello. I'm sure you have a lot of work to do and-" He didn't get a chance to finish as Mello punch the wall right next to his face.

He stare at Mello fearfully as he glare at him angrily. "Stop giving me that bullshit, Matt! Do you think I'm an idiot? I know something is wrong so why won't you let me help you!?" Mello clutch his fists as he shake in anger.

Matt close his eyes sadly as he look away "I can't..."

Mello narrow his eyes "You can't or you won't?"

Matt open his eyes and smile sadly "I can't tell you..."

"Why not? Don't you trust me, Matt? Is that it? You don't trust me enough to tell me?" He look upset as he wait for am answer.

"Please don't ask anymore, Mello. I can't answer your questions...and I don't want to lie to you..."

Mello took a deep breath and stomp out of the room.

Matt look down as he slide onto the floor and cover his face, trying to hold back his tears. He looked up when he heard the front door open, he runs into the living room just in time to see Mello walk out of the house with his things.

Matt's eyes widen in shock "Me-Mello? Where are you going?"

Mello narrow his eyes as he glance towards him "It's none of your business but if you must know I am going to Near's house. Call me when you're ready to stop giving me your bullshit!"

Matt sank onto the floor as he watch Mello walk out of the house. His eyes tear up and he broke down crying when he can no longer hear the sound of Mello's motorcycle...

Mello walk into Near's room and hugs him closely. "Near..."

Near leans up and gently kiss him "Hello Mello. What are you doing here?"

"What? So now I can't visit my boyfriend?" He rise his eyebrow.

"Of course you can but people don't usually bring all their things along with them if they are just visiting." He twirl his hair as he glance towards Mello's bags.

"Yeah well I can't stay with Matt any longer but let's not talk about him." He picks him up and gently lay him on his bed. "I haven't seen you in awhile."

"Do you not trust me, Mello?" Near look up at him.

"Can you blame me for not trusting you?" He unbutton his shirt and gently kiss his chest. "You're all mine."

"All yours, Mello." Near leans up and kiss him...

Matt curl up in the corner of his room with his blanket wrap tightly around him. How long has he been sitting there?

He open his eyes which were no longer shining bright blue but now blood red and dull, his once lively eyes no longer hold the happiness and love that made it shine but is now filled with pain and sadness.

I am so sorry, Mello. I could tell you why I'm depressed, why I cry and hurt inside. But that would reveal everything I've tried to hide. I could tell you what is wrong. But I'm so used to quietly and sweetly lying to you. I could tell you how much I hurt inside, how I really feel. But that would make the pain real.

I'm so sorry, Mello...but even if I did tell you...you won't be able to help me...won't be able to save me from this heart break...

After all...you were the one who broke my heart...

Am I not good enough?

What makes him so special?

Were you lying when you said you love me before?

Did we make love or was I just your fuck buddy?

...Why Mello?

Why did you make me fall head over heels in love with you?

When you had no intention to catch me?

Why can't you love me?

Why do I love you?

...Why?

I was there for you...even when you didn't wanted me to...I was there for you when you found out that Near was cheating on you for Gevanni...when you were doing drugs...when you were cutting yourself...I was always there, I never left your side...

So why?

After everything that he did...after everything that I did...

Why do you still love him?

Why can't you love me?

Why Mello?

...Why?

Why must I listen to you?

You don't like that I cut myself...but you were the one who started cutting first...

It hurts...

Why?

Why must you hurt me so badly and take away the only thing that comforted me?

I want to cut again...

It feels good...

It is beautiful...

The blood flowing down my wrists...

The beautiful red that I have been addicted to...

That I am still addicted to...

But I can't cut because I promised Mello I would stop...

But why should I listen to him?

He who has hurt me deeply...who has walked out of my life more than once...

Why?

Why!?

WHY!?

Why do I follow him everywhere he goes!?

Why is he the one I am loyal to!?

Why is he the one I love?

Why...someone please tell me why...I don't know how much longer I can stand this before I completely loose my sanity...or maybe I have already lost it?

Who knows...

I sure as hell don't...

What am I to do?

What can I do?

After all...

I am nothing more...

Then a heartbroken dog that is wishing for the impossible...


End file.
